Hollywood Remakes

They're making an upcoming movie called ''Edgar Allen Poe's The Raven.'' It will star - now get this - everybody's favorite actor, Vin Diesel.

Come on, everybody. Imagine Vin Diesel's the Raven. Just sit back for a second, and let your little, Hollywood warped imagination go to work. This one shouldn't take too much thought, should it? Isn't that the point of casting Vin Diesel in the first place?

Just sit back and imagine a mindless, post-apocalyptic version of a beautiful work. Explosions, tanks, aliens and lazers don't belong in this. They really don't. But guess what we're going to get, anyway? Think of it. An ex-space military man turned bounty hunter. His code name: The Raven. I have this image of Vin Diesel standing over an alien warlord, about to shoot him with his lazer rifle, ending the earth's long opression from these dreaded beings. After a meaningless dialogue about said opression, Vin Diesel quips: ''Quoth the Raven, Nevermore!'' Explosion, the end, Earth is free from alien opression. And pop culture has a new catch phrase. Win-win, really.

One day, I hope to be free of Hollywood opression. Okay, perhaps opression is the wrong word, but it segued well. I'm reminded of that episode of the Simpsons where Homer and Mel Gibson remake Mr. Smith Goes to Washington. (one of the few redeemable moments in the newer episodes, might I add.) Why does Hollywood do this? Is this some conspiracy to add kitsch to crap that didn't need it? Is Urkel going to appear in a remake of Invasion of the Body Snatchers? Is Olivia Newton John going to update her own movie Xanadu, complete with Let's Get Physical on the soundtrack? Let's not forget about all the TV to movie remakes, too- Charlie's Angels, Starsky and Hutch, The Dukes of Hazzard. Pretty soon we'll see movie remakes of Full House and Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman. And with this Chuck Norris meme floating around, Walker, Texas Ranger no doubt.

This remake trend is depressing. Really... nothing new is coming out of it. Certainly nothing redeemable. Did Hollywood just finally sit back, let out a sigh, and delcare ''We're out of ideas!''? All that's really left to remake into movies are infomercials. Come on, who wouldn't want to see the SMC movie, something about the Juice man? Or what about the Home Shopping Network? That would be a wonderful film, and oodles of product placement opportunities. TinselTown, you owe me for this idea.

But what happens when Hollywood runs out of infomercials to remake? Only time will tell.