July Horrorscopes

Aries: (March 21 - April 20) -- You only stand up for what you believe in so ardently because you're insecure about yourself. Quit overcompensating, and tell another Aries you love them to temporarily ease the crushing pain that is modern life.

Taurus: (April 21 - May 21) -- Taureans spend their entire lives maintaining the status quo within their existence. Unfortunately, the Taurean this month will be ill-prepared when something they know to be true and dear comes crashing down around them horrificly.

Gemini: (May 22 - June 21) -- Your other personality is plotting against you. Now is the perfect time for a preemptive strike.

Cancer: (June 22 - July 22) -- With the sun in their sign, this month is perfect for the crab to take after the hermit of the species – by hiding in its shell for extended periods of time and not bothering the rest of the world.

Leo: (July 23 -August 21) -- Leos are known for their generous characteristics-- however, this has given rise to a bit of trouble this month. Because of this trait, the rest of the world thinks you're up to and want something. Continuing to be generous will only fuel the fire, and ceasing will only further alienate your comrades. Good luck!

Virgo: (August 22 - September 23) -- People will continue to abuse your nature as they always have. This will strike as especially crushing when you realize there is nothing you can do about it.

Libra: (September 24 - October 23) -- Librans are adept at skills of empathy... and this trait eventually weighs even the stockiest of Librans down. This is indeed the time to let the judge inside of you also become jury and executioner.

Scorpio: (October 24 - November 22) -- Jealousy will once again override every thought process in your head this month. As a scorpion, you are naturally bound to sting... so maintain what little self control you have, or your bite will awaken a sleeping giant.

Sagittarius: (November 23 - December 22) -- Always the optimist, you'll never even consider that the bridge you are about to cross might be out. Because of your good nature, nobody will have the heart to tell you you're about to drown, either.

Capricorn: (December 23 - January 20) -- Quit your bitching. That's all it will take for another human being to be able to tolerate you, because and endless string of pessimism and self loathing is nothing anybody finds remotely desirable. Not even another Capricorn.

Aquarius: (January 21 - February 19) -- Your magnetic personality is prone to attract some sharp objects this month. Keep an eye out for the knife flying at your head, and be prepared to duck.

Pisces: (February 20- March 20) -- The sign of the fish is weak willed, easily led, and generally considered to be pathetic by everybody else. Because of this, a pied piper will enter your life this month, and lead you off to emotionally drown (in a bit of irony for this water sign). Put your weak will to your advantage, give up, and go back to bed now.