The Little Magic Show

I decided to create a new TV Show. It'd have to be a one time special (if this was a series, it'd become cancelled after a single episode anyway. Why bother to write something that'll never see the light of day? That's only slightly more futile than writing this entire blog in the first place.) (Seriously, fuck you guys for not reading this blog.)

Still, even though it should be a one time special, this should be [mistakenly] marketed as a series nonetheless. A sketch comedy series, oh, say in the vein of In Living Color or the Dana Carvey show. We'll name it the Little Magic show. And Little Magic, a short, unassuming and fairly kind man in his younger 20s, speaking in a lowkey, polite manner and slight southern accent, shall host.

The show will open with Little Magic sitting in an easy chair, clad in a terryclothe bathrobe. He will introduce the show as if somebody just off camera is forcing him to do this show, and say everything. To boot: ''Hi, I'm... No, I'm not going to say it. No. No! ...fine. I'm little Magic. This is my show.'' He'll then [reluctantly] introduce his fly girls, whom are normal looking, attractive women who tap dance. They also wear their hair in buns and wear librarian glasses. He shall then introduce the sketches.

SKETCH 1

Scene: A fancy ball. The patrons are having a pleasant time, until a fat, greasy man wearing a rather nice but poorly fitting, gown shows up. With a fireman's hat on. Whenever somebody says something to him, or in his presence, he laughs loudly, long and obnoxiously. Everybody stares until he is done laughing, and finally, they turn to the camera and remark ''That's Our Manuel!'', the catch phrase of the sketch. This goes on for a full seven minutes.

SKETCH 2

Scene: A man pounding on a wooden table in a steady rhythm chanting ''I like Andy Warhol!'' The camera is tithgtly cropped around him, and slowly pans out After panning out for a few minutes, two others are sitting across the table at him staring. Other person 1, to other person 2: ''I am confused...''Other person 2: ''Why is that?''Other person 1: ''I always thought he was more of a Jackson Pollock fan.''A slight pause and both men silently realize the awkwardness of the situation. In an attempt to break the stalled conversation, Other Person 1 removes their white gloves, slaps other person 2 and challenges him to a duel. Fade quickly to black.

INTERMISSION

(A sign will be shown declaring the intermission part of the program.) Scene: Little Magic in his chair.Little Magic, apathetically: ''Drum solo.''The Fly girls then come out and tap dance.

SKETCH 3

Scene: A restaurant kitchen during a slow period of the day. Waitresses are in back talking to some cooks and dishwashers about normal workplace gossip. Nothing funny or particularly entertaining even, at this point. The conversation quickly dies, and a dishwasher walks away. The camera stays on him, and as he puts his hands in the dish water, he screams in agony. When he pulls his hands out, he discovers the skin has melted off. He looks up front, past the counter into the lobby, and can see a young girl smile devilishly, flash him a switch blade, and run off.

SKETCH 4

A really bad WB/7arts cartoon. Does it matter which one?

ENDING

The fly girls tap dance around Little Magic's empty chair. The credits begin to roll as Little Magic is chased around by a masked man with a machete. The Benny Hill theme plays.

Hollywood Remakes

They're making an upcoming movie called ''Edgar Allen Poe's The Raven.'' It will star - now get this - everybody's favorite actor, Vin Diesel.

Come on, everybody. Imagine Vin Diesel's the Raven. Just sit back for a second, and let your little, Hollywood warped imagination go to work. This one shouldn't take too much thought, should it? Isn't that the point of casting Vin Diesel in the first place?

Just sit back and imagine a mindless, post-apocalyptic version of a beautiful work. Explosions, tanks, aliens and lazers don't belong in this. They really don't. But guess what we're going to get, anyway? Think of it. An ex-space military man turned bounty hunter. His code name: The Raven. I have this image of Vin Diesel standing over an alien warlord, about to shoot him with his lazer rifle, ending the earth's long opression from these dreaded beings. After a meaningless dialogue about said opression, Vin Diesel quips: ''Quoth the Raven, Nevermore!'' Explosion, the end, Earth is free from alien opression. And pop culture has a new catch phrase. Win-win, really.

One day, I hope to be free of Hollywood opression. Okay, perhaps opression is the wrong word, but it segued well. I'm reminded of that episode of the Simpsons where Homer and Mel Gibson remake Mr. Smith Goes to Washington. (one of the few redeemable moments in the newer episodes, might I add.) Why does Hollywood do this? Is this some conspiracy to add kitsch to crap that didn't need it? Is Urkel going to appear in a remake of Invasion of the Body Snatchers? Is Olivia Newton John going to update her own movie Xanadu, complete with Let's Get Physical on the soundtrack? Let's not forget about all the TV to movie remakes, too- Charlie's Angels, Starsky and Hutch, The Dukes of Hazzard. Pretty soon we'll see movie remakes of Full House and Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman. And with this Chuck Norris meme floating around, Walker, Texas Ranger no doubt.

This remake trend is depressing. Really... nothing new is coming out of it. Certainly nothing redeemable. Did Hollywood just finally sit back, let out a sigh, and delcare ''We're out of ideas!''? All that's really left to remake into movies are infomercials. Come on, who wouldn't want to see the SMC movie, something about the Juice man? Or what about the Home Shopping Network? That would be a wonderful film, and oodles of product placement opportunities. TinselTown, you owe me for this idea.

But what happens when Hollywood runs out of infomercials to remake? Only time will tell.

Abstract Art. Vs. Poetry

It is in my opinion that abstract art and poetry are both faith based institutions.

Why? Whether it is random splashes of paint on a canvas or random splashes of words on notebook paper, are we simply supposed to accept that they have meaning, even though no rational, sane, or intelligent human being can comprehend any coherent thought from it? Are all the random shapes or words supposed to come together, and magically some sort of profundity is produced out of thin air? Get David Blaine on the phone. I have a new act to propose to him!

I'd like to point out, on this subject, that people used to be spoken to by their God all the time. Now, when it happens, we lock them up. Perhaps the same should be done with abstract artists and poets. Let us lock their demented selves up. The world will be a slightly more rational place for it.

Conservapedia

Being something that the content of the internet is entirely user based (more so increasingly with this Web 2.0 Garbage, but I'll comment on that later), the more the internet actually seems to reflect actual-factual life. Myspace perhaps, being one of the better examples, a forum for people to truly say what they want to say and some cases, be who they want to be.) It, in some cases, reflects life more accurately than life portrats itself. Of course, just as many times, you have a thirty year old fat man pretending to be a teenage coquette. It seems this Web 2.0 [read:buzzword] is a magical place, indeed.

But problems of Myspace aside, this user based thing was bound to have its problems anyway. If you disagree, go look at a usegroup or just about any forum- it's an eerie look into the future of LJDrama and MySpace acct. deletion and such actions.

And of course, with the political state in the past 5 or 6 years, this was bound to happen:

The Accusation of the Internet's Liberal Bias

And thus, the conservinet (You heard that term here first!) was founded! Conservapedia is a lot of what started it. I think. Unless you want to look BEYOND the internet, but who does that anymore? Apparently, Wikipedia has too much of a liberal bias. Articles like ''Fucktard Middle School (Oregon)'' and ''jacob and andrew r cool and not gay emos!'' (both real Wikipedia vandalism) are, apparently, the Liberal Media Machine at work. So, of course, Conservapedia was founded to counter this brainwashing of America. So, you can see how the creation of such an encyclopedia is completely justified.

Some of my favorite things from this site:

• Homosexuality is an immoral sexual lifestyle...Reference? Oh, just the BIBLE. Maybe you've heard of it?
• Though the liberal media continues to disparage Bush's handling of the economy, they often neglect to report the many aspects of the economy that Bush has improved. For example, during his term Exxon Mobil has posted the largest profit of any company in a single year, and executive salaries have greatly increased as well.Yes, the rest of the public, outside of the liberal media, is truly pleased with how Bush has handled the economy, especially when it comes to the oil companies. Thanks for pointing that out!
• Woody Allen is a comedian, writer, director and actor. Citation needed.

They define willful ignorance as The practice or act of intentional and blatant avoidance, disregard or disagreement with facts, empirical evidence and well-founded arguments because they oppose or contradict your own existing personal beliefs. The truest, and my favorite, page on their site.

Coincedentally, the LA Times ran an article on Conservapedia today. Apparently, this whole project started because one of the founder's students used BCE instead of BC on a paper. Andy Schlafly, the founder of Conservapedia, was so appalled that the girl picked this up from Wikipedia he decided he had to act. So, the site was born. Granted, Wikipedia is pretty dubious as a source of factual information... but let's face it. One girl's attempt at political correctness exploded into a web (pun intended!) spun of ire and the beginning of a NEW! faction of the conservative media machine- one where they bring you ''an objective, bias-free piece from a conservative perspective.''

Okay, wait. What?

Pop-Tart Lifestyle Branding

What is our society coming to? A while ago, at a supermarket, I came across a little item... the Pop-Tart carrying case.

I realize this item may seem innocuous to you, but I think this just one more indication that our society is completely obsessed with food. Honestly, how fat are we getting?

Cigarettes, as a vice, have become completely taboo. To the point that we actually care that they're bad for us. There are cities in my great state trying to, or have actually passed bans on the cylindrical little devils. It seems only likely that food has become an acceptable alternative as vice.

As such, it's only going to make sense that Pop-Tart carrying cases (and all food carrying devices, such as paper bags, lunch boxes, and sandwich wrappers) will replace cigarette carrying cases. I hand to you the following example of a social scene in the not too distant future:

Person 1: ''...and that's why I think old people shouldn't be allowed to drive.''
Person 2: ''I can see that argument.'' Person two then pulls out a pop tart carrying case.
Person 2: ''Care for a Pop-Tart?''
Person 1: ''Oh, no, thank you. I don't toast.''

If Kellogg's were smart, it'd include the case with tiny, battery powered toasters for the fattyconsumer on the go. In fact, the toaster could even open up, exactly like an old zippo lighter. Just instead of butane, there'd be two slots with coils inside.

All that's next, I suppose, it Pop-Tarts lifestyle branding, not unlike that of Starbucks.

Welcome To Your Own Personal Hell

Anybody ever get that feeling that there is a huge, dark shadow cast over the entire planet, foretelling certain doom, destruction, and revolution? ...and that that shadow is yourself?

Anyway, welcome to my brand new, shiny little blog. It's going to be fun! Writing, reading, more writing, more reading, and most important, plenty of time wasted online. At least it'll be more productive than, oh, say social networking. And without all the annoying drama and emo kids!

Oh, but I bet you 'traditionalists' are looking for this blog to have some sort of purpose. Sure, sure. If I must. Just think of it as one more weirdo's soap box. This weirdo, however, is quite aware, though, that what he is saying is absolutely absurd, and shall run with it. Amok, that is.

So, sit back, laugh, and enjoy. Oh, yeah, I may occaisionally be actually coherent and serious. I hope you enjoy social pseudo-science.

You've been warned, my pretties.