Here's the New Zodiac updated for the 21st century. Why not modernize? Find your birthday, find your sign, and instantly know everything about your personality!
1. Super Mario
(3/21 - 3/31, 4/2 - 4/20)
The first sign of the New Zodiac, Super Mario is always expected by the rest of the population to always be there (except in rare cases when a second player or haunted mansion is present) and save the day from whatever ails the world: Giant punk turtles, walking angry mushrooms, a giant ape, the current administration, or even just a turtle that happens to know how to throw hammers. Whatever it is, though, you WILL be expected to save the day. People born under this star sign must be wary to not get discouraged from obstacles (such as holes or something) and keep pressing on - after all, there's always a power up somewhere.
- Key Phrase: It's'a Me!
- Key Color: Red, rarely Green
- Likes: A'Spicey Food, Mushrooms, Saving the Day
- Dislikes: Hallucinogenically inspired foes, Games that 'cheat'
- Most Compatible With: Rembrandt, Two Legged Spider
- Notables: Thomas Jefferson, Tom Hanks
2. Canada
(4/21 - 5/1)
Ever known somebody who looked just like everybody else, acted just like everybody else, and was actually even a little nicer than everybody else - but something was just off? Then you've probably known a Canadien (as people born under this sign are called.) Canadiens are generally good people and tend to get along with others, however, they tend to eventually get irritating by inventing alternate spellings to words and mixing small amounts of their change in yours as a 'friendly gesture.' Other signs sometimes believe, that underneath their simple, friendly exterior, may lie a preemptive strike. Superstition dictates it is wise to pretend to be born under this sign when in a foreign land.
- Key Phrase: Eh?
- Key Color: Red/White
- Likes: Syrup, Beer, Violent Ice Sports
- Dislikes: Whatever it is, they usually pretend not to dislike it.
- Most Compatible With: Really anyone, kind of.
- Notables: Mike Myers, George Woodcock, Michael J. Fox
3. Stacey the Brat
(5/2 - 6/2)
People born under Stacey the Brat are attention seeking, generally insufferable people. Lacking subtlety, they tend to take whatever they want and declare it as their property, dress lavishly to gain attention, and speak in such ways that demand notice. Discipline in their youths is all but required for them to function as adults.
- Key Phrase: That's MY Candy!
- Key Color: Pink
- Likes: Attention, Things
- Dislikes: Being Ignored, Non material things such as 'enlightenment' and 'knowledge.'
- Most Compatible With: Eggy the Egg, Programmable Interface
- Notables: Paris Hilton, The Olsen Twins, Snoop Dogg
4. The Three legged spider
(10/10 - 11/1)
The mythology of the star sign The Three Legged Spider is that of a spider that only has three legs due to some freak accident. Mythology is weird, it never really explains it beyond that. People born under this sign tend to struggle through life, as if missing 5/8 of their legs. To the slightly sadistic members of society (and children), this is usually amusing.
- Key Phrase: I'm missing 5/8 of my legs. OR Ow!
- Key Color: Off White
- Likes: Crutches, Enablers, Pain Killers
- Dislikes: Buildings without handicap accessibility, Those little hard things you find when you bite a hamburger
- Most Compatible With: Super Mario, the Goth Kid
- Notables: Stephen Hawking, John Edwards
5. Programmable Interface
(6/4 - 7/3)
People under this sign tend to be open books, taking suggestion as scripture and following it to a T. They tend to be completely malleable to the rest of society and will basically do whatever anybody instructs them to - just as long as they are told in a specific language without error. Sometimes this language is incomprehensible to the rest of mankind. Anybody under the sign who realizes this is likely to either 'deactivate' (as the natives of this sign refer to suicide as) or develop a sense of freewill - a day that all of humanity should consider a dark one.
- Key Phrase: Syntax Error!
- Key Color: Gray
- Likes: Well structured writing, Administrative duties
- Dislikes: Multi-tasking, MacOS
- Most Compatible With: the Fascist dictator, The Dark Carnival of the Soul
- Notables: Lassie, Matt Damon, the Apple IIe
6. Leonard the Fascist Dictator
(7/6 - 9/17)
People born under this sign were destined to rule - with a fist of blood and iron. Never should they learn German, or be in any position of power whatsoever - for the good of all mankind. They personalities tend to range from opressive to creepily and blindingly charismatic. Their agenda always hidden, this sign must be carefully watched, for cunning power plays will happen the second your back is turned.
- Key Phrase: OBEY.
- Key Color: Black/Red
- Likes: Obedience, Genocide, Republicans
- Dislikes: Freedom/Anarchy, John Locke, Mismatched socks
- Most Compatible With: Stacey the Brat, Eggy the Egg, Canada
- Notables: Dick Cheney (dur), Emperor Nero(dur), and Wesley Snipes (who knew?)
7. Carrot
(4/1, 2/2 - 3/20)
People under this sign are noted for their delicious, orange bodies that tend to be hidden beneath a layer of filth and dirt with a weed sticking out of it. Careful care must be taken with this sign for two reasons: One, it is not easy to coax the pleasant, yummy root out of the ground without damaging them physically or emotionally. Two, love in this sign is difficult. Carrots tend to share their delicious side with those who are holding it at the moment, making one's affections seem for not if some Rascally Varmit comes along and steals your carrot.
- Key Phrase: I'm a carrot, for fuck's sake.
- Key Color: Orange
- Likes: Dirt, Fertilizer, The Sun
- Dislikes: Rabbits
- Most Compatible With: Canada, The Goth Kid, Super Mario
- Notables: Alec Baldwin, James Earl Jones, Mr. Ed
8. Bill the Wanderer
(6/3, 7/4 - 7/5, 9/30-10/09)
This sign is the epitome of wanderlust. Those born under Bill are restless souls, wandering from place to place for no reason. They tend to never develop a personality, as all their time is spent moving. Natural introverts, they hate stability, and prefer to live nomadically. They rarely make friends, as this gives them little to no time to shower.
- Key Phrase: I guess.
- Key Color: Brown
- Likes: Trains, Knapsacks
- Dislikes: Showers, Conversation.
- Most Compatible With: Canada, Dark Carnival of the Soul
- Notables: Hulk Hogan, Jim Morrison, Harry Bentley
9. Rembrandt
(11/5 - 11/18, also 7/15/1606 through some rare celestial event)
This sign is generally considered one of the greatest painters and printmakers in European art history and the most important in Dutch history. Its contributions to art came in a period that historians call the Dutch Golden Age (roughly coinciding with the seventeenth century), in which Dutch world power, political influence, science, commerce, and culture — particularly painting — reached their pinnacle.
- Key Phrase: I call this one...
- Key Color: All the colors in the sprectrum!
- Likes: Aesthetics, Clogs, Windmills
- Dislikes: Ink/Paint anywhere on oneself, Bankruptcy
- Most Compatible With: The Goth Kid, Eggy the Egg
- Notables: John Stewart, The Lady on the Orbit Gum Ads, Bill Watterson
10. The Dark Carnival of the Soul
(9/17 - 9/29, 11/2 - 11/4, 12/25)
Boy, if you though Canadiens were fucked up... welcome to the dark carnival of the soul. It's really best for one's own sanity that little is known about these people, as even a glimpse into their psyche could ruin your mind, causing hallucinations, hysteria, catatonia, tremor, constipation and dry mouth. Consult a doctor if any of these worsen. Unfortunately, their demented psyche is contagious, and having one in your life is sure to make it horrible, macabre, senselessy destructive, if not a bit more interesting.
- Key Phrase: Well, that all depends...
- Key Color: Well, that all depends...
- Likes: Well, that all depends...
- Dislikes: Zyprexa, Ritalin, Trans Fats
- Most Compatible With: Bill the Wanderer, Super Mario
- Notables: Mike Tyson, Michael Jackson, Mel gibson, Ted Danson
11. Eggy the Egg
(12/1)
People born under this sign are known to have a fragile outer shell which will break the second you drop them. Their egos bruise easily, they can't handle the heat of the frying pan, and they generally dislike anything combative. They are also delcicious fried, more so than the other signs.
- Key Phrase: I'm good for you this week.
- Key Color: White/Yellow
- Likes: Tobasco, olive oil, salt
- Dislikes: Hammers, the floor
- Most Compatible With: Carrot, Rembrandt
- Notables: Tina Yuthers, Hans Christian Anderson, Bette Midler
12. DarkRavenBlade the Goth Kid
(11/19 - 11/30, 12/2 - 12/24, 12/26 - 2/1)
Whiny, Self absorbed, self abusive wet rags all are terms that are commonly used to describe this sign. They have developed their own 'culture,' ostracizing themselves from other people. They tend to dress is dark colors that match the clothes other people of this sign (I guess they all have some sort of psychic link or something) in an attempt to be unlike the other signs. Maybe they just really like irony.
- Key Phrase: Woe is me.
- Key Color: Black, dur
- Likes: Pain, Misery. Usually when its self inflicted. Also, cutting oneself.
- Dislikes: the sun, happiness, socializing
- Most Compatible With: Nobody, not even themselves, except for Canada.
- Notables: Al Gore, or go to any high school and see for yourself.
